The Aspiring Traveler

PRELUDE

I met a girl in Pakistan who can talk 100 words per second and  flails her arms wildly as she raps on. She is a blonde.  She has 2 masters inside her brain. She speaks something crazy like 6 languages. She has taught me some interesting things: e.g. the difference between Nordic and Scandinavian countries, some political theories I forgot, and that you can’t find a thong in Pakistan because nobody sells them. This blondie has greenish eyes and African hips.

This isn’t about the girl though, it’s about her passport, because she has been to 34 countries. She is 27.  No she is NOT rich and no she’s not someone’s sugarbaby.

Pause

My passport does not even have 34 pages.

If that’s not passion for travel, then I don’t know what is! Hats off to you madam, and to your next destination. She’s thinking Laos, Argentina or some other erotic place. *MAKOFI PLEASE

CHAPTER 1

Once upon a time, I badly wanted to go to Kakamega to see a bullfight. I didn’t check online for scheduled fights, my lonely planet guide was a watchie from Kakameka pwana who could hype up ANYTHING. Among the other adventures he promised me awaited in ‘Kakameka pwana kama Lubao market penye kuku sinapikananka’; late into the night he excited my imagination with tales of bull fights he had witnessed. He told the stories so well I used to find myself dreaming of doing a movie about a Bull called Daniel that was trained to fight from calfhood. It was going to be a movie in the league of Sea Biscuit, Lassy, Lassy Come Home, Finding Nemo, etc

I proceeded to plan the trip with enthusiasm. My checklist was something like this:

a.  Shortlist willing and interesting participants

b.  Interview each candidate and select accordingly

c.  List down bus companies plying  route

d.  Analyze each bus company’s USP (Unique Selling Point) and conduct SWOT analysis including cost benefit anaylsis

As if that was not enough, I had my Intelligence sources on the ground (they used to work undercover as ‘watchmen’ on the block) keep an ear out for news of the Ikolomani MP Bony Khalwale’s schedule; cause if he makes a trip home, the big bulls come out to fight.

Sululu! The day before my chosen comrades and I were to leave Nairobi, they backed out on me. One got carjacked, and the other got evicted….no comment…

Prepared me had already bought the bus tickets, and when all plans fail, I knew I had only one choice, and one choice only. One choice alone is all I had, and I was down to my last choice…

I walked into The Central Police Station police canteen (recently renovated). If at 10pm, you are still sipping ‘gin and juice’ from a plastic bottle in Centrale, it’s highly likely that I can lure you to come with me to Kakamega – off course this was before MGD 2010 – Muliro Gardens Disaster.

One hour later, 3 people were with me on the way to Kakamega :-). We got there around 6am and shortly after a Dutch girl that was going to be joining us from Naivasha came. Her name was Nipples…with a K…for real. We were now a party of 5 bringing the total number of nipples to 11. We ordered a double room at ‘Frank Hotel’ for Kshs.400 and the real Nipples got their own executive suite for the same amount. The sheets were clean, the floor was clean, the door was broken, there was one tiny window and a bathroom complete with complimentary mismatched slippers, and one dim light.

I had already called our Kakamega Safaris tour guide, and informed him that we were just freshening up in our deluxe hotel suite, and could he please meet us in the lounge of ‘Frank Hotel’ and be sure to come with the land rover, will you my good man? You know, just in case we decide to go shoot some Colobus monkeys. We found him waiting in the butchery-styled lounge (a very unique concept), downstairs.

Really there was too much adventure in Kakamega to analog here, but these were the top 5 highlights, in no particular order:

  1. Nipples began to cry and caught the very next bus out of Kakamega
  2. There was a burning thief, Nipples went to see, and that’s what caused HIGHLIGHT 1
  3. Kakamega Forest and the Crying Rock
  4. We organized 3 BULLFIGHTS 🙂
  5. Nipples had the only camera in the group, but she was upset at us and never emailed us… maybe I’ll find her on Facebook
  6. Nipples was BORING and we warned her not to go look at the dying thief. I won’t add her on Facebook
  7. We went to a club where we all fell asleep listening to E-Sir ‘hits’
  8. Our 2nd day in Kakamega we were all so broke we snoozed in the butchery-style lounge to save Kshs.400 but we bought ourselves some more beer.
  9. I told the bus ticket guy my friends name was ‘Omosakhulu’ and he didn’t think it was a joke, oh ya! We were in Kakamega!

If you want to travel, travel.

Word,

Aspiring Travel Adventurer

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7 thoughts on “The Aspiring Traveler

  1. savvy says:

    I would love to travel a lot too.. so far only been to two other countries besides Ke but I’ll get there..

    Now I want to go to Kakamega!

  2. wayward foe says:

    you know jeremy i remember that trip with fondness. and you’re right a lot happened and it was very funny. and you should warn any potential male travellers that they won’t find any women in the clubs there so carry your own. i wrote a piece about that trip too, though it was just about highlight number 2, http://waywardfoe.blogspot.com/2011/02/too-much-justice.html there is the link

  3. NJOKS says:

    Hey, she is 27! (My hero by the way) Look at it this way, you still have years ahead of you, and 190 something countries to go! So, just do it! A country at a time. The article is funny, (hahhaha)

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