My Autobiography: 10-15 years


I got drunk for the first time when I was 14 -Sarit Centre, the dark room that was the Games Arcade. It was like a mini-club for delinquents, with its juke-box and pool tables, and smoking adolescents.  we had just finished kcp’s,  and Ja-rule was the urine at that time.

We had a guy to get us the alcohol – as we grow up, we all have guys.

At 10: The ‘guy” is the one that has a Sega Mega or Family Computer (remember them, you could buy one on Uhuru Highway)

Contra- they used to shoot tennis balls (family comp) -

At 18/19: You have a ‘guy’ – he knows the bouncer of the clubs = not getting frozen

At 21: You have a ‘guy’ – he is the one that has a relative who is a cop so anytime you are arrested, just call him. I didn’t have this guy when I was arrested by Kajo- that was one long day.

But at only 14, your needs are simple,  you have a ‘guy’- he is the one with the moustache = he could enter Uchumi and buy Smirnoff Vodka and he comes with  ‘chix’. – I am still trying to grow mine, maybe this is the year it will fully bloom.

At 14, our guy was called Jamo, a great asset – almost as great as a pointie. Jamo didn’t even drink the Vodka, guess he had more facial hair and more sense.

A quarter vodka later shared between 2 guys in a hurry to get home before curfew= laughing very hard to the utter dismay of mothers in the matatu. They sighed, clucked and SMH’d sadly at the exhibits of a lost generation saying ‘ Aki, wameanza mapema’   (this here is a fallacy, does it mean I am now allowed to drink irresponsibly?)

My boy and I could only respond in an attempt to look sover, sorry sober, ‘ Hahahaha, mimi sijalewa, ni huyu!hahahaha!’

LOL,I know its not the proper picture, but you get the point, it was ridiculous

Not much else to be said about that day, since I wasn’t found out, and no neighbours saw me running around the estate in a paranoid frenzy (I ran home from the stage, looking over my shoulder all the time  cause for some reason, I was seeing people following me).

Got home and blacked out.

Niliepuka kichapo, phewks!


I learned how to drive when I was 14. Sadly, this was never  reflected in my legal driving skills 4 years later, so really, I think that I didn’t get into an accident at 14 was kutembea na Yesu.

Ben taught me how to drive; Ben was a guy with the brownest teeth you ever saw, and the definition of body odour. My dad even gave him soap as a loud hint- It was a serious situation…very serious.

Ben taught me how to drive in a Toyota pick-up, manual i.e. MAN-ual, so toa automatic yako hapa. Everyday after school, we used to drive together, a really short distance-  maybe 100 metres, but enough for a 15-year old to be excited…until the day I decided to drive on my own.

The estate watchy warned me, he tried to put the fear of the law in me, told me some cops came looking for me (‘HAHAHAHA’ in retrospect) though I half-believed him at the time. Too bad as I was waiting for him to open the estate gate, my neighbour drove by, kwisha maneno!

A few days later, there was an estate security  meeting at our house (we only joined these things after we got robbed, LOL)  and I heard the neighbour that had seen me driving proclaiming in that worried Mama Watoto voice, ‘ and he is only 15’, baas! I had been snitched. (10 years later, I still think she is a snitch :-p)

My dad summoned me to his bedroom, and that had NEVER happened, still never has. I was thinking very clearly to myself that soon, the househelp would be telling the everyone how  ‘alichapwa kama mwizi’.

I don’t even remember the lecture, because I was just waiting for my mzee’s huge hands to connect the words. I only started listening when he started talking about girls, because then it dawned on me, I was going to make it out alive; so I started nodding and looking thoughtful, just in case the threat of a beatdown became real again. I guess he assumed that I ‘skyved’ (do people still use that word) the car to impress some fellow prepubescents of the female type…come to think of it, even when I was coming to Pakistan, he warned me off girls, he said ‘those girls take everything literally, don’t get too close’ hehe. (and then my mum semi-accused me of being a womanizer :-0 I don’t know what these parents think of I get up to)

Anyway, boys will be boys, so I drove one more time after that long lecture, but this time there was no neighbour.

Niliepuka kichapo, but not for long…teren teren…ten teren…

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2 thoughts on “My Autobiography: 10-15 years

  1. Princess Achieng says:

    aki you were such a naughty boy……and ur dad used the best approach talking to you like an adult,i guess thats why u did not turn out too bad lol

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